“Are you feeling sick today mommy?”
I hate that my child has had to hear me say too many times that “I don’t feel well” because depression was kicking my ass.
There are times that I am literally feeling physically run down and need to give myself rest. I have gotten so used to always being on the go that I am not sure sometimes if what I feel is exhaustion or depression based.
Exhaustion is temporary. My depression is not. So to hear my son ask me if I feel sick because he’s used to me stating that when my depression is shitty breaks my heart.
While I don’t want to shelter my child from mental health issues, I don’t want his memories to be filled with “mommy not feeling well”.
It’s been such a battle trying to figure how to keep all hormones and chemicals balanced in my body. It has become so frustrating as I feel like it’s a never ending battle within myself trying to figure out what is going to work.
For about a year now I have researched TMS, transcranial magnetic stimulation. It’s for people who don’t respond to medications for their depression. While I do respond to medications, the combination of major depressive disorder, post traumatic stress disorder, and premenstrual dysphoric disorder has me a complete cluster fuck.
15 years I have been fighting. 15. Fucking. Years. For some, that’s a quarter of the time they have been fighting but considering I’m not even 30 yet, that’s a long time. I’m so exhausted worrying if my brain is going to be stable for the day. Better yet, worrying if I’m going to wear myself out before noon that day.
After speaking with my therapist and primary doctor, I decided to move forward on pursuing TMS. Studies have shown great results and it’s still been a constant battle daily. I’m always on the max dose of an antidepressant and still have symptoms. I don’t want to live my life like that for the rest of the time that I’m alive.
This week, I will be making a consult appointment to get me in to see a psychiatrist near work to deal with daily TMS sessions for about 5 weeks. I’m hoping this can be something to truly make a difference.