I have spent most of my life alone. While I am an introvert, I would enjoy having someone emotionally available and willing to walk in life with me. This piggy backs off last post of growing up with an emotionally unavailable father.
As I look back on my childhood, I dont recall truly being comforted much. Don’t get me wrong, my parents provided me beyond what I needed and wanted in life. Sports. Clothes. Food. Education.
But where was the relationship? Where were people when I needed someone to talk to or hold me?
This is a pattern that has continued throughout my life. Sobriety. Addiction. Eating disorder. Single parenthood. School. The list could go on.
Sure…. I pushed quite a few people away in my life time. But when I actually needed people, it has been extremely rare for someone to be supportive.
I have good memories of people helping in AA when I first got sober. But some of those people also used me and took advantage of our friendship so I am not too sure how beneficial it was.
I have had more than my fair share of times people physically being there for me. Letting me stay at their house when needed, helping out with a pet, etc. But when shit got truly rough… no help in sight.
I became a single parent alone. I had no one to talk to. No one to help me understand life and it’s new look. Asher’s tantrums as a toddler while living alone… asking for help with nothing.
I try speaking about my difficulties seeking comfort or advice regarding parenting to receive answers such as “deal with it. He needs you.” Noted. Thanks for the help.
I have had physical help with having him watched for me to go to school but not without pushback. “Its just hard. I’m tired. He’s difficult. Are you done yet?”
I domt get asked things like “how are you doing? How are you handling all this stress in your life? Are you okay?” It kills me because there are times I so desperately want to say “I am not okay. I need help.” But I know it will not be received and I will not get help. I might get a “sorry you’re going through that.” But I hear that more from friends. Family? I hear, “well I’m tired too.”
Recently the struggles with Asher and SPD, ADHD, and just overall struggles I feel so alone. It has been so stressful. I feel like each day that the crack in my life just gets bigger.
On one hand, I tell myself “you should be used to no support. Why does this shock you?” But on the other hand, I tell myself “how have I still not found someone I can have that with? How can I ask for help instead of waiting for someone to step forward and feel less alone?”
That’s where I fail. I want help and someone to be there for me but I have so many fears regarding them that I refuse to reach out anymore as I am so tired of being abandoned.
There leaves me with the question of… how can I find the middle ground?