You’re living your day just fine then all of a sudden an intense wave of anxiety flushes over. Hands get fidgety. Heart starts racing. Unsettling feeling sets in the pit of the stomach. What is it? Dots cannot be connected of what is going on. 

Warmth floods outward from the center of the chest. Tears involuntarily start streaming down rounded cheeks. I am not feeling emotions that should be equated with tears. Confusion sets in. Palpitations start occurring. Damnit. Not again.

I sit in the chair and lean back. My 6 year old is in the bathtub playing with a boat he made listening to kids radio. I want to ensure he doesn’t witness me losing my shit. I must try to shelter him from the possibilities of my emotional pain (totally realistic right?). 

As my head is tilted back, my eyes are open and tears flow out the sides. No blinking is involved, how are they just flowing? I consciously focus on breathing in and out. It’s so restricted. My pants are too tight. My shirt and bra and suffocating me. I can’t move. There’s no way I am going to be able to keep this up for much longer.

15 minutes pass. Heart rate is extremely high as well as respiration rate. Feels like someone is sitting on my chest. Nausea settles. I hate feeling nauseous. I need to go vomit just to make it better. No, not worth it. I should probably call someone. 

Almost 45 minutes of symptoms. About 30 minutes in, I hit the peak of running out of breath and feeling as if it were to last hours. I lay on the bed, hands over my head taking long deep breaths focusing on the feel of my wrought iron head board to keep me present. 

Even after the bulk passes, anxiety is high. I am supposed to go out and that is definitely not an option! Wait… What will I do internally if I don’t go out? I have to go…. 

I can’t wear what I was going to wear. I need to hide myself. I don’t want to be looked at or touched. After going through my closet, I realize I truly don’t have too many options and wearing an oversized t-shirt isn’t truly plausible. I settle for a light cover-up jacket to wear when I’m not feeling comfortable. 

The day after, I am completely emotionally hungover. I can barely function normally. There are so many things I need to do but I can’t do any of them. I am utterly drained. I hate feeling so useless. Why can’t I get my act together?

You see… PTSD panic attacks are strange as a phrase can be said and one time it affects me and another it doesn’t. Same with sounds, smells, songs, people, actions, etc. It’s odd as I never know 100% what could trigger it. But with me starting a new job, having the long hours, feeling bad about being away from Asher more, etc my stress levels have been higher. This means I have been more likely to experience symptoms. When I don’t take proper care of myself, shit happens. 

While I have been dealing with this for 10 years and can handle what’s going on, it’s still inconvenient. I found a good site that’s simple to understand- Panic Attacks

Reach out to others. Have support. Don’t do it alone ❤


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