I have learned to have as little expectations from people as possible. This leaves less room for me to get hurt. Over the years I have had the ability to feel emotions and feelings on the level of “normal” people, shocking I know! Going through the counseling program, I have noticed how vulnerable I feel especially over the past few months. It is an extremely scary feeling for me. The last time I allowed myself to feel vulnerable, I got hurt. Now, I do not expect to go through life without being hurt. The extent that I seem to get hurt is past the emotional hurt, I get the physical pain or get taken advantage of.
It took a long time for me to find my voice. I still find times of being fearful to speak out. Will I get backlash? Will there be repercussions that I cannot handle? Will it upset them? Many thoughts swarm my head in short time frames trying to analyze the outcomes. The only fear I have never had before is if my heart will get hurt. Will I get emotionally taken advantage of. While I have been emotionally invested in friendships and have been drained from those, I have not let the door open for a male to become emotionally invested with me.
It is as if I am willing to risk my face getting punched in quicker than my heart to be shredded. You see, the physical harm that I have endured is tangible. I cannot see my heart. I don’t know what it is like to love someone. I cannot see the damage that can be caused to that part of the body. Someone assaulting me, I can physically see what has occurred. That is easier to identify, therefore easier to patch over. I have been psychologically damaged and emotionally damaged which are not tangible. I have also endured that for years so it is something I know how to handle. So how can I set an expectation of possibly getting hurt from opening up my heart to someone?
The answer is simple: don’t have the expectation. You cannot fear for the worst. You cannot live life waiting for the other shoe to drop. Yes, you might get rejected. Yes, your pride and ego might get bruised. What can you possibly gain from allowing someone in? The possibilities are endless.