I don’t talk much about just how things truly were in my drug use. When I first got clean and was in the rooms of AA and NA, I talked a lot about the depths of my addiction. Over the past 6 or so years, I have not talked a lot about just how bad things were.
I was about 15 years old when I tried alcohol. 16 was when my life started spiraling. My eating disorder was already full blown, I had been self injuring for a year, I lost my identity as an athlete….. I felt so lost and alone. As soon as I got high off the drugs I enjoyed, it seemed there was no turning back.
Various forms of prescriptions were my first vice. Opioids, stimulants, and sedatives. Amphetamines and the like, Adderall, Ritalin, and Concerta, were my first pills to try. I loved those as they helped me not eat (or binge and purge) and I could get all my stuff done! I attempted the barbiturates and benzos around that time too, Xanax and Valium were often on my list. I settled into opioids, codeine, hydrocodone, and OxyContin, as I could forget my life and get lost into the black abyss.
After getting bored with the prescriptions, I ventured off to testing the waters with ecstasy, over the counter cough meds (triple C’s), methamphetamines, and cocaine. My first true addiction was ecstasy. I fell hard and fast for those pretty stamped pills. Once every week or so habit turned into a daily habit. Many assume ecstasy is a party drug. People use X to just have sex or rave. I primarily used alone. You see, ecstasy alters the brain and the way that serotonin, dopamine, and norepinephrine fires. AKA this means that I was happy. I hadn’t been happy in years, but I got to be happy when I got that high! But damn, the come down off X was horrific. Not only did I crash hard and want more drugs, I was severely depressed and suicidal. I scared even myself when I was coming down from X. This is where I found myself taking pills multiple times a day.
After about 9 months or so of almost daily use of ecstasy, it no longer was working for me. There were some days I would substitute some other drug for the X, but man I loved that roll. “Luckily” about 9 months after finding X, cocaine made it’s way into my life. That first line pulled me into the clouds. This was it. I found it. The answer to everything. I found my way to fully escape. Not only was I getting high, I had energy, I didn’t get hungry, I was in love.
Cocaine stole my soul. I went down hard and fast. Within just a few short months, I did almost everything I could to make sure I could stay high. Within 5 months, I was overdosing at least once a week on it. I did a lot of things I am not proud of. I hurt a lot of people. I did things I said I never would do but that helped bring me to the point of breaking.
Drugs were never fun for me. I was never one for just experimenting. I had 2 basic purposes of my drug use: feel happy or to die. All of my addictions served a purpose of destroying self. I found artificial happiness while I was high. I believed I was worthless. Damaged goods. Unfixable. I had been hiding behind a mask for so long, I didn’t know how to be my true self. I was beyond repair……
By Christmas time 2006, I had given up. I was so exhausted seeking my drug, getting high, losing my high too quickly, and feeling like the pain would never end. I truly felt that I was going to live the rest of my life living the cycle I was living or I was going to die as it would be better than what I was living.
Christmas time I overdosed only a couple more times and had one more alcohol poisoning for me to admit defeat. I needed help. It was time to try to get clean and see if it was even possible to have freedom. Otherwise, I knew where I would end up.
I was in so much pain.
I tried so hard to look normal.
I would constantly pick at my face, not to mention chemicals from the drugs escape through the pores.
I completely destroyed my nose
I was one of the lucky ones who did get out. I will have 11 years sober from all mind altering substances on February 1st. I know the darkness of that side and I pray I never see it again.